Understanding Groupies:
The Cupcake Series blog (supplement to the all-women Cupcake Reading Series in New York) pointed me to this essay about gender and literary fandom. It asks (and I paraphrase) “Can female authors have groupies too? Do male fans select the perfect outfit, show up an hour early and sigh when a female author reads sonorously from her brilliant skeins of prose?”
Answer? Men do engage in groupie behavior but only if the author is really hot. Which means that, should she come on the market, a middle-aged genius like Alice Munro, will probably not be squiring hot young things around town a la Norman Mailer or every third university creative writing professor. Although I think there’d be a certain poetic justice if she did.
In answering why this is, I’m realizing that we’re striking at the very heart of why men and women are different, peering deep into the circuitry of the species and and inhaling the sparks. There are whole industries dedicated to answering these questions and most don’t do it very well. But I’m going to let them have their fun and have mine by generalizing my ass off.
Men are not lit groupies because we are simpletons. Women are lit groupies because they are overly complex.
Groupiedom occupies that contexted zone between fandom and crush. A groupie, of anyone, doesn’t just want to be in the presence of their object of adoration because they love their creative output. Their creative output actually makes that person desirable so groupies would also like to have sex with them. However groupies aren’t just about sex either because they could get that at the neighborhood bar with a lot less effort. Groupiedom is about fantasy and self-inflation, the fanstasy of “being with” the admired artist and the self-inflation of believing that being intimate with them somehow lifts you.
This is all very hard work, negotiating the delicate boundries between fan and stalker, between lustworthy and pathetic, between perspective mate and one-night-in-St. Louis stopover. Which is precisely why men make lousy groupies. Namely…
1) We’re too godamn lazy. Men might tell you they love pursuit but they hate unattainable pursuit. Creative idols are by definition unattainable. Men see that and give up. Or rather, they salivate from afar and maybe make a desperate lunge when in their presence. This is why you see so many middle aged hairy guys at Donnas concerts. But men don’t create elaborate dates and fantasies of being with their favorite writer/musician/artist because it’s too much work when you can simply imagine them naked and jerk off. The road to fufillment for us is very short. This makes us very lazy. Not to mention…
2) Terribly uncreative. Men get turned on at a shift in wind or a flutter of the eye. It also goes away that fast. With such a raging (yet ultimately capricious) libido, would you invest the emotional energy getting primped, going to an A.M. Homes reading and imagining yourself on a date with her, when, with a flash of her wedding ring or an utter of “My boyfriend’s a musician”, it could all vanish? You’d rather just imagine her decorated with custard and stay at home. Men don’t need a scenario, an association, even a physical presence to get hot. And since imagination isn’t necessary, those skills atrophy and drop off, like wings on a kiwi.
3) The A #1 reason men are not groupies is that somewhere deep down and scary, we feel threatened by public worship. Pamela Des Barres might have parlayed being the “World’s Most Famous Groupie” into a successful writing career but that came after years of cleaning puke off of passed out musicians, darning their socks and giving them head before they rushed off to the airport. All this might sound like good ole’ rock n’ roll fun, but at its core, it requires a willing submission of one’s self to a more famous and powerful person. You need them way more than they need you. Men can do that (looks at sports fandom) but they either a) do it in private (see playing the tennis racquet guitar in your bedroom) b) replace the idol with themselves (why men form tribute bands more than women) or c) include themselves in the worship. When the Steelers win, we win. But to squeal at a record stores, to dress up for a reading, to imagine ourselves on someone’s arm, well that would mean that we are not the most important person in our own fantasy. And that simply won’t do.
What do you think?